I never imagined in my wildest dreams I'd achieve the acceptance in the filk community that I have- any community. Before I had found fandom, I had been resigned to the fact that I would never be understood; and had been this way for over 10 years. Susan was wonderful and sweet; but she never came close to understanding me until she was able to look at me through the lens of fandom.
I had given up my dreams of an album (with my own music!), and "showing them" back in school that I could make something of myself. I had even stopped writing- what was the use? No one understood it anyway. I had resigned myself to a lower middle step in the corporate ladder; and figured I'd stay there until I died. In a rut. A grave with 2 open ends.
Then, a friend told me to come to a con. And bring my guitar. What followed was a Saturday evening session that lasted until after 8 am Sunday morning.
Life has accelerated from there, and has yet to slow down.
My god- my tapes and CD's are sold internationally! People I've never met walk up to me and say they like my music! The songwriting contests, the Pegasus awards- literally overnight! I'm still awed by it all.
What did I do to deserve the good things that are happening?
How do I stay me?
I don't know. I can only try. This is about how I try.
I try by looking for others who have felt or feel the way I used to feel; and do what little I can in the span of a weekend con to let them know that they're really ok.
In fact, better than ok- special.
Fandom has made me feel special; and that feeling withers and dies unless it is shared. Maintaining center stage focus is ok for short periods of time; we all need to be recognized.
But filk and fandom's strength is in the sharing; in the comeraderie of the circle, the warmth of a shared meal, or even sitting in the hall and talking of nothing. Knowing that you're understood. That you have an extended family that cares (if even for just Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning....).
As a family of social outcasts, fandom is ironically both less and more forgiving of social faux pas than other groups. But there are still limits as to what is acceptable. Fandom's patience can be long, but it is not infinite.
There are many who had the same experience I did upon finding fandom- the acceptance, the feeling of importance, everyone asking "Where have you been?" But, rather than trying to give that feeling to others, they try to recreate it at successive conventions; trying to take the attention that was at first freely given. Eventually, some find they have no one left to talk to, and they re-enter their lonely existence.
It seems paradoxical, but the only way to GET is to GIVE. Give your time. Give your attention.
Listen.
Be Honest.
Care.
Take real interest in others.
Performing is fun; but helping others perform brings joy. Some of the dearest friends I will have for the rest of my life I've made through caring and sharing these feelings- and the fact that nearly anyone can feel these things through a filk circle.
And yet, performing (and the attention it brings) can be intoxicating; it's like a drug. It's extremely difficult to move past the "It's my stage" mind set and share the spotlight. However, the sharing can carry this feeling to indescribable levels; and this is why filk is. Without this, filk would still be in stairwells and hotel rooms; there would be no conventions, no filk tapes, no hucksters, no late night discussions of deceased baby dogs garnished with salt water. . .
Watch Dave Clement or Dandelion Wine perform. Or the Black Book Band. Or Kathy Mar. They are the most consistent at applying this nebulous state of self/share with the world in their performances on stage, and in their attitudes off stage that I've seen.
The only way to GET is to GIVE.
So, how does this translate day to day? I don't know your answer. You have to make an answer yours; you must do it your way.
These are my words; but you will interpret them from your perspective, your chair. You have no idea where I'm sitting as I'm typing this; or how long ago I wrote it, who I had dinner with; or even if what I had for dinner that affects the way the words flow onto the page.
The clearest way to go is by following an example you can see; not one you read.
The only way to GET is to GIVE.
Welp, I could probably go on about this for another 7-10 megabytes or so- its a subject that is very important to me. These are my goals- I'm human just like anyone else; even to forgetting my own rules of thumb (dang! Where'd that thumb go now....). The fact that you've made it this far in this little piece of screed means you should probably be awarded a medal of honor or something; but I'm fairly poor. Pat yerself on the back instead, or take yourself out to dinner if you're feeling particularly well heeled. . .
Sorry, that was the ego talking. I still have problems with it sometimes.
My opinions are worth exactly what you paid for them; in a word, nothing. It is up to you to choose whether any of this has any value to you; and if it doesn't- that's fine.
If you decide that any of it does have value; make it your own. Don't make it "Well, Steve Macdonald said...". Take responsibility for your own thoughts, dammit! Move with sincerety. Speak honestly. And when you fall, 'fess up and ask forgiveness. Don't let life happen to you; you should happen to life.
The only way to GET is to GIVE.
Drink deep of the waters of Life; and relish in their bittersweet refreshment.
Back to the preachy page...