by Puzzlebox- Paul Kwinn, Taunya Gren, Alisa Garcia (2000)
I asked Puzzlebox if they would be willing to write my bio for Consonance, in the San Francisco Bay area in March, 2000. If I had known that they were doing this, I might have reconsidered... I'll have you know that my morals turp with the best of them.
Chair: This confirmation hearing will now come to order!
Michigan: Mr. Chairman!
Chair: The Chair recognizes the senator from Michigan.
Michigan: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. I have here the results of our research into the background of the candidate, Mr. Steve Macdonald. He seems to have had an average upbringing, in my own state of Michigan. He was born to two high-school teachers, and took up singing impromptu compositions at an early age. He was involved with school choirs as early as 3rd grade. When he was in the 6th grade, he received a free meal by singing a song in a restaurant.
Iowa: Steve Macdonald had a fan, e-i-e-i-o.
Chair: The senator from Iowa will keep his snide remarks to himself until he is recognized.
Iowa: <mumbling> Apologies, Mr. Chairman.
Michigan: As Mr. Macdonald matured, he continued to develop his talent in music, embracing such performers as The Beatles, Simon & Garfunkel, Cat Stevens, the Indigo Girls...
Alabama: Mr. Chairman!
Chair: The senator from Alabama has a comment?
Alabama: Mr. Chairman, it is an outrage that this august body be forced to listen to this litany of known left-wing radicals!
Chair: Senator, Mr. Macdonald is a candidate for a Guest of Honor post at a filk convention; his political affiliations or leanings are not relevant to these procedings.
Alabama: But Mr. Chairman! What about moral turpitude?!
Chair: I'd say we're some distance yet from making that sort of determination, Senator, but your concern is noted. Continuing the background...
Michigan: Mr. Macdonald has specifically asked that it be entered into the record that the Sex Pistols were NOT among his musical influences.
Chair: Um, all right. So entered.
Michigan: Also, he has likened himself to ravioli, in that he's reasonably predictable, but sometimes has a suprise hidden inside.
Alabama: Mr. Chairman! This is outrageous!
Chair: Gentlemen, let's just try to get through the background, for now. Is there anything else from the senator from Michigan?
Michigan: Yes sir. Mr. Macdonald has had a long-time interest in science fiction, which led him to a career in the musical genre known as filk.
Chair: <wearily>; The chair recognizes the Thing with Three Heads from a Distant Star.
Thing: Bazu! Sneck bjork snock!
Chair: It appears Mr. Thing's translator is broken again. While the technical staff makes repairs, we'll continue.
Michigan: Mr. Macdonald's career in music has included numerous "gigs" in various coffeehouses over the years, singing folk and rock material from the 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s. In filk, he has been a guest at over half a dozen conventions. This included an Interfilk guestship, during which he appeared on-stage nearly naked and painted blue.
[The senator from Alabama sputters, begins to rise from his chair, and collapses to the floor.]
Chair: The Sergeant-at-arms will procure assistance for the gentleman from Alabama.
Michigan: To conclude, Mr. Macdonald has thoroughly distinguished himself in filk: he has won numerous song contests and no fewer than 4 Pegasus awards. He has also recorded 3 albums: "Songspinner", "Journey's Done", and just last year, "Reap the Wind". In addition, a live album is thought to be on the way.
Chair: Thank you.
Man: Mr. Chairman, I object!
Chair: Who are you, Sir?
Man: I'm another filker who was considered for the post! It's not fair! Steve's too good! I never had a chance! [pulls out a guitar and begins to sing his sad story, notably out-of-key]
Chair: The Sergeant-at-arms will dispatch the intruding filker!
Chair: Thank you. Anything else?
Michigan: Mr. Macdonald claims to be attracted to neither Monica Lewinsky nor Hillary Clinton.
Chair: A positive attribute, in these scandal-ridden times.
Michigan: He's an extremely talented and beloved filker, Mr. Chairman, and I respectfully recommend his rapid confirmation.
Chair: Very well. We'll take up the issue of moral turpitude after lunch. Adjourned